Drama drama, drama mama

I feel inclined to update the blog. The same feeling of neglect is guilting me into posting up an entry.

Everything is, and feels like a cliché nowadays. I don't know or understand why, perhaps too much reading can do this to you.

Do you understand why Tim managed to answer so quickly? It's because he reads a lot.

— Colin, on me solving a problem question in record time

This can be a good or a bad thing.

Good thing is I have a ton of resources in my head that I can refer to.

Bad thing is, I react to anything and everything based on what I have read or heard, based on other people's experiences and not my own.

I have always loved predictability. I don't like taking chances and I have a constant fear of rejection and this, I am well aware, becomes a huge hinderance in all sorts of situations.

More recently, the whole fiasco involving a certain crush that hasn't developed into anything yet because of past bad experiences and I would rather not chance it. Waiting, waiting for clues which leads to constant frustration and now I don't know if I should continue with this or just let things die off into a boring friendship.

Maybe it's better this way, I tell myself. But deep down I know I will forever regret it if I don't ever find out if I had a chance. If only I knew how. Or had the guts to say:

"You know, I like you."

"You know, I was extremely jealous that night and I still am."

"You know, every time we hit that same wavelength and I know I know exactly what you are thinking without saying anything, it makes me feel like smiling at you uncontrollably, grinning like a fool."

But I can't, for if you don't feel the same way as I do for you, things would never be the same again should I even utter the beginnings of a "You know..."

I can't, for the life of me, understand serial monogamists. How can anyone enter, break off and get over relationships so fast in a matter of days. And almost immediately enter a new one as if nothing has ever happened.

Sometimes I think love has become too common. People use the word love too easily, how often does the true meaning of it get carried across? How often is this word uttered with a true understanding of what it really means?

I am not to judge. But I can't help but feel some people are in love with the concept of love itself rather than for the person they're seeing.

I shan't elaborate, for I can't.

"It's like a trailer, you want to make people want to see the movie, that's the whole purpose of it."

Except there is no movie, so it gets annoying. Well, too bad.

-- - --

On another note, I begin to feel my extreme dislike for straight guys develop into this monster that triggers from within me, most annoyance. I don't keep this a secret, I recently told the Woman that I don't like to hang out with them as much anymore because of the recent infiltration of straight guys into the group.

More often than not, guys who display some sort of homophobia are usually lacking in a certain area in their character that is most crucial: Intelligence. Simple creatures who can't fathom things that are beyond their limited scope of thinking.

Stupid, dumb creatures.

Admittedly we have all been in that state at some point of our lives.

But being gay makes you evolve from that. Because from young, you have been forced to think beyond what is expected from you at that point of life. From young, you are forced to understand that you are different, you are unconventional and you can't be bound into social norms. You have been lost without a guide and you are forced to discover and learn things for yourself.

The role of parents become negatory as most choose to keep it hidden from them. Even if they are made aware it would be of no beneficial value as with much doubt they would have the parental skills to raise a gay child.

So you are forced, forced to survive and grow up on your own. Almost like an orphan.