Paperbag Boy's guide to surviving the Singaporean gay scene

Work in progress.

It's funny how the word "fun" has become synonymous with sex.

So has these words/phrases: "anything", "hang out", and "how are you?".

God.

I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me

Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until that boy is mine

Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me

-- - --


Not much is new. The same age old routine. J & friends came down for the weekend, it was very fun. Will not club in coming weeks though, very tired of the scene in general.

Much more sex recently than usual. Been somewhat of a top recently.

I'm working on my people skills. Sunshine, sunshine and more sunshine. No more dark gloomy and sad.

Well, just sometimes.

Give it up. He's straight.

But he's just so adorable. I don't have to block out his friendly advancements do I?

...do I? Sigh.

S, and now R.

I gotta appeal to a more mainstream crowd. In order to achieve this I must limit my creative freedom with my dressing.

No more JC de Castelbajac or Jeremy Scott inspired outfits.

Speaking of Scott, this fries fabric from his Fall 2006 would make an incredibly interesting shirt:




...Dang.

I'm currently hooked on Miley Cyrus' "See You Again". I can't help it, the chorus is so damn catchy! Blame PLAY for mixing it into the playlist.

Also, is making out/having sex in clubs such an infrequent, rare thing? I was under the impression that so much people do it, so why is it such a surprise when it DOES happen? Ugh, so some cute guy was blowing me in the cubicle. Why so much DRAMA.

Excellent dance moves to Gaga's Pokerface chorus. I wanna learn!

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and said to myself after realizing something while staring at my reflection:

You've come a long way.

That you were Romeo and you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet;

And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you
Please don't go...

And I said, Romeo take me somewhere so we can be alone
I'll be waiting all that's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess

It's a love story, baby just say yes.

Listening to: I Hate This Part (Dave Aude Radio Edit) - Pussycat Dolls

I've long memorized the lyrics to this song, it has become iconic to me as much as "Fashionista". I remember the first Saturday it was played as part of the prelude to the main dance tracks, which only begins at 1am.

It was that very same night I met B. I was in short, very short white shorts, but not short enough to be hot pants. H had commented that they were too short. I smiled, ignoring the comment, adjusting the white braces and the almost royal blue shirt I was wearing with it. B was with E then, they had met at a sauna earlier, as I found out much later.

The next time I saw B was the St. James finale a few good months later, in the "flyer queue" with R, who had miraculously, and rather stupidly, forgot that he had membership rights, which would have enabled us access to the VIP lane. It was E who first got B's attention, having mistook him for a schoolmate of his. F, in all his kiasu attitude, had already got ahead of our little entourage in the queue, for he can't stand to be behind me in anything at all, no doubt he forced himself upon some poor guy.

I didn't recognize B. In fact, I had little recollection of his existence at that point in time. B said hi, do you remember me, and graciously reintroduced himself. B was with Mr. Poppers, who later had himself a little orgy with two of my, rather desperate, acquaintances. At the same sauna B met H.

That was the start of our little performance of jealous hearts that night, one worthy of theatrical merit.

But the part B played did not stop with that night, it went on...

Feel the beat inside your feet, do your best to get the rest 

Up and down, around around; Till the sun, above the ground 

Follow me and we'll be free, it's the groove to make you move 

Raise your hands up in the air, do it like you just don't care!

Don't you wanna dance? Do you wanna dance? 

C'mon, take a chance, baby, won't you dance? 

Powerhouse, I really miss you.

Suddenly, I felt liberated and free.

To lift all responsibility and just blindly follow instructions... to be sought after... I don't want to have a mind of my own, just throw me around, assume me to be a puppet and take control.

I like that.

So after 2 years, Fabulous Sundays is no more. The last time (ironically not a sunday) ...was more than awesome.

Thanks everyone for all those past sunday nights.

St. James, Powerhouse. You'll be dearly missed...

All I wanna do is stay right here on the floor
Get lost in the night
And dance like there's no tomorrow
Don't care about the sunrise
Somebody please just hit the lights
All I wanna do is dance like there's no tomorrow

I think it's relatively hurting to your ego when you take someone out and he tells you that, "Oh, maybe we're better off being friends".

Sigh.

At least I know I'm not exactly doing everything wrong.

While we were strolling down Orchard today we got stopped by a lady asking if she could "interview" us, with her was a team of a few students with an expensive HD cam with Leica lens.

The guy I was out with was hesitant, I, of course, had no qualms about appearing in front of a video camera, much less one that is gonna be shown during the upcoming Youth Olympic Games.

The lady then said to her crew, "You know what, just interview the cool guy", motioning to me.

At least I'm doing something right.

As I grow older over time, the less prone to my parent's guilt inducing tactics to get me to do something, I have become.

The solace of which is anonymity.

Hello people, here I am once again.

A lot has changed since I last posted, a very significant amount if I do say so myself.

I re-watched Mean Girls today.

Damn, I forgot what I wanted to write. There's probably too much to write about anyway.

Have you heard that joke about Mas Selamat, the most-wanted terrorist fugitive who escaped from detention in Singapore? His wanted posters are everywhere in Singapore.

Mas Selamat is in Malaysia. Because when you enter Malaysia, it says Selamat Datang.

Quotable quotes of the week

But I'm not completely unfortunate looking la

— K, on looks

I think I'm an occasional believer

— D, on religion

I've never went after someone in a really serious way before and the mild attempts at doing so have always been met with failure.

So when the need to do so arises, I'll admit I'm terrible at it. So I'm going to start a campaign to observe how the guys that go after me behave so I can get some ideas. Haha.

Also is it weird when I close my eyes I see Guitar Hero notes?

After telling my friends, some of them asked me "when did you find out?" or "how long have you known?". Those seemed like the strangest questions, as if they thought that you learned your sexuality by a letter in the mail or something.

I know right? Or it sounds like we got adopted or something and found out we are like some other race? How come they don't ask this question when I tell them "I'm Chinese" "when did you find out?" or "how long have you known?" LOL

D: haha you're good looking in a different way from daryl pan
Me: really
Me: you mean, opposite
Me: hahaha
D: no la. haha
D: the looks not the same genre, for the lack of a better word
Me: hahaha, thanks then :)
D: =)

Look at that. So honest, so sincere, so sweet. It makes my heart melt.

No time lah

Not bad right? I am loving school for the first time in my life so far

Although much pain and time were devoted to the production of this particular photo shoot (for school).

Not much news on the gay side of things as of late, really. This might, or might not be a good thing.

There's this guy I'm interested in but:

1. He lives far away
2. He doesn't go to the same school
3. I don't think I have anything in common with him

So remind me again, why am I even interested? Good question, eh?

Was wading through my old PSDs hoping to salvage some previous work for a portfolio when I came across this gem.

These were a few wishes I had written down back in February 2006, a few days after my birthday.

• Own a nice Apple/Windows Setup.
  
• Have lots of money to spend.
  
• Work for a famous company.
  
• Get out of the country.
  
• Get drunk, someday.
  
• Be happy.
  

I'm happy to report that I've accomplished all of these things in a relatively short amount of time: god, has it already been 2 years?

While sitting in Photography class learning, no, listening to the lecturer go on and on about the rule of thirds, diagonals and other crap about composition I realized: it's simple. I need to put on weight.

But how.

If I was a rich girl, na na na na na na na wtf

*sigh* a major dip in updates once again.

It's interesting: I put up a photo of myself SMILING and now I'm averaging ~10 messages a day. wtf.

Still haven't told him how I feel. Maybe I should just do it already. But then again there are consequences of a rejection that I'm not ready to bear with, namely: a (potential) loss of a good friend, a source of inspiration, a lunch buddy for those lonely afternoons. I think the relationship, whatever it is, has already progressed too far for me to throw it into any kind of a jeopardizing situation.

But then again, I don't have forever. I wish I did, though. Then we would remain in this never ending limbo... I wouldn't mind, really.

I like where we are, here

'cause our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch, here

I like where you sleep
When you sleep, right next to me
I like where you sleep, here

Well you are the one the one that lies close to me
Whispers hello, I miss you quite terribly
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but
Right here in your arms

Sometimes

I feel a little bit bad

For chatting up these naive (but cute) 15, 16 year olds

They don't know what they're getting themselves into by messaging me.

I feel bad. Just a little.

This is a title

Don't know what's been going on lately.

Been happier that I've ever been in my life.

Could be better, of course. I can think of something right now that would immediately make me go "WOOHOO!" but then again, I'm rather content.

I'm content. Wow, now that's a first.

Best news I've heard in a very long time

Where the masculine ideal of as recently as 2000 was a buff 6-footer with six-pack abs, the man of the moment is an urchin, a wraith or an underfed runt.

Nowhere was this more clear than at the recent men’s wear shows in Milan and Paris, where even those inured to the new look were flabbergasted at the sheer quantity of guys who looked chicken-chested, hollow-cheeked and undernourished.

“Designers like the skinny guy,” he said backstage last Friday at the Duckie Brown show. “It looks good in the clothes and that’s the main thing. That’s just the way it is now.”

Their waists, like that of Mr. Svetlichnyy, measure 28 or 30 inches. They have, ideally, long necks, pencil thighs, narrow shoulders and chests no more than 35.5 inches in circumference, Mr. Brown said. “It’s client driven,” he added. “That’s just the size that blue-chip designers and high-end editorials want.”

Read the original article here. I am so damn happy.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But it's annoying.

Also, this FAQ question/answer, rocks.

Insignificant Bug

Things I need to get done:

1. Rethink strategy for the normal everyday life blog. This is so I can spam all my every day life stuff there and not flood this blog with irrelevant non-gay content like the contents of this post
2. Rethink strategy for gaining mass. Eating a lot does not help and I'm sick and tired of being skinny.
3. Money. Scout for freelance opportunities with web agencies. A starting point would be asking the CM-- and to send that overdue email.
4. Come up with an A-wesome idea for a character design, for Ideation. I need to get that A*.
   

Drama drama, drama mama

I feel inclined to update the blog. The same feeling of neglect is guilting me into posting up an entry.

Everything is, and feels like a cliché nowadays. I don't know or understand why, perhaps too much reading can do this to you.

Do you understand why Tim managed to answer so quickly? It's because he reads a lot.

— Colin, on me solving a problem question in record time

This can be a good or a bad thing.

Good thing is I have a ton of resources in my head that I can refer to.

Bad thing is, I react to anything and everything based on what I have read or heard, based on other people's experiences and not my own.

I have always loved predictability. I don't like taking chances and I have a constant fear of rejection and this, I am well aware, becomes a huge hinderance in all sorts of situations.

More recently, the whole fiasco involving a certain crush that hasn't developed into anything yet because of past bad experiences and I would rather not chance it. Waiting, waiting for clues which leads to constant frustration and now I don't know if I should continue with this or just let things die off into a boring friendship.

Maybe it's better this way, I tell myself. But deep down I know I will forever regret it if I don't ever find out if I had a chance. If only I knew how. Or had the guts to say:

"You know, I like you."

"You know, I was extremely jealous that night and I still am."

"You know, every time we hit that same wavelength and I know I know exactly what you are thinking without saying anything, it makes me feel like smiling at you uncontrollably, grinning like a fool."

But I can't, for if you don't feel the same way as I do for you, things would never be the same again should I even utter the beginnings of a "You know..."

I can't, for the life of me, understand serial monogamists. How can anyone enter, break off and get over relationships so fast in a matter of days. And almost immediately enter a new one as if nothing has ever happened.

Sometimes I think love has become too common. People use the word love too easily, how often does the true meaning of it get carried across? How often is this word uttered with a true understanding of what it really means?

I am not to judge. But I can't help but feel some people are in love with the concept of love itself rather than for the person they're seeing.

I shan't elaborate, for I can't.

"It's like a trailer, you want to make people want to see the movie, that's the whole purpose of it."

Except there is no movie, so it gets annoying. Well, too bad.

-- - --

On another note, I begin to feel my extreme dislike for straight guys develop into this monster that triggers from within me, most annoyance. I don't keep this a secret, I recently told the Woman that I don't like to hang out with them as much anymore because of the recent infiltration of straight guys into the group.

More often than not, guys who display some sort of homophobia are usually lacking in a certain area in their character that is most crucial: Intelligence. Simple creatures who can't fathom things that are beyond their limited scope of thinking.

Stupid, dumb creatures.

Admittedly we have all been in that state at some point of our lives.

But being gay makes you evolve from that. Because from young, you have been forced to think beyond what is expected from you at that point of life. From young, you are forced to understand that you are different, you are unconventional and you can't be bound into social norms. You have been lost without a guide and you are forced to discover and learn things for yourself.

The role of parents become negatory as most choose to keep it hidden from them. Even if they are made aware it would be of no beneficial value as with much doubt they would have the parental skills to raise a gay child.

So you are forced, forced to survive and grow up on your own. Almost like an orphan.

I witnessed something nice while strolling along the riverside towards the Esplanade just now.

Two guys were sitting side by side on one of them benches facing the river, overlooking the Singapore Flyer.

The guy on the left shyly extended his arm around the other guy's waist, then decided against it, abruptly letting his arm drop to the side.

The other guy promptly looked at him, grabbed his arm, and firmly put it around his waist.

Sweet, eh. I want.

The First Move

I must say, I have newfound admiration for gay guys who are courageous enough to "make the first move"/take initiative/come onto some guy.

Something that happened last night inspired this post. Night out at La Queen with someone-- they have really done up the place by the way-- after we have been formally introduced to the group, one of them started coming on really strongly towards the friend I was with. It takes hell a lot of guts to blatantly offer yourself out there, baring everything from rejection to humiliation. Putting yourself in the most vulnerable position possible. You don't know if he's into you or not, is he friendly just out of politeness? Is that guy next to him his boyfriend or merely a friend?

He started out with a casual fact on something that had a local context-- my friend is Singaporean. Then dragging him onto the dance floor. Then started to grind. I don't know if they proceeded onto other things (the friend claims they had not), for I left at one point to sit by at the side, laughing away to myself.

Then came the eventual "what's your number"; he asked for my friend's MSN on his phone with the added excuse- "I can't save it unless I have your number". Wow, way cool-- and my friend obliged.

See, the guy isn't hot at all. Therefore I must bow in serious admiration for his confidence, for I know I would never, ever have done the same if I were to be in his shoes.

Later that night I didn't even dare to say I was extremely jealous, even though the scene was so perfectly set-- cool air from the air cond, still mildly high from the alcohol that was consumed earlier, outside a grubby convenience store somewhere in Jalan P Ramlee.

Yes, Jesus loves me

I know when people come across embedded Youtube videos most tend to just skip over, but I tell you, this is worth clicking that Play button for.



I would do a write up on the thing, but Lainie already did an excellent job: go read it.

-- - --

I went through my old posts yesterday and realized, it's been a while since I've took time to really sit down and write a complete post. I need to start doing that again.

Writing, blog-style is liberating for some, it becomes a journal where the author details every single thing that happens in a day, often choked full with photos.

I blog to capture a moment in time, recording it down in form of words. I read back as I go along living life, and reflect upon past experiences and memories-- often the bad ones, as I have the tendency to not like to keep bad memories at immediate recall. And learn, to be reminded again, to not make the same mistakes.

In a few hours I'd need to head to Novena to purchase bus tickets for the KL trip tomorrow, and be back to Downtown East before 5pm for a barbeque, which will probably span til early morning, which then I'd spend 5 hours on a bus ride, at night, a indie film screening, friends, shopping, club, hangover, art exhibit opening, Pecha Kucha, house party, hangover.

Sounds like it should be a fun week.

It's been a while

I know I shouldn't have kept you waiting
But I'm here now

I've took up a stance to be out to anyone who cares to know, in class.

A conversation that passed through:

Me: So I'm thinking of going down to KL with this guy during the holidays.
Hood: Only with that guy? It sounds kinda wrong.
Me: Why? I'm gay lah.
Hood: O_O oh.

The others have probably guessed it or at least, are suspecting.

The lesbian in class is more power lor, she started bringing her girlfriend along for activities, openly holding hands with her and such. I envy her in all sorts of ways, really.

Should I work again

I love Haji Lane.

I love the overpriced tees at NUM in all their brightly colored glory.

I love deep set purple adidas sneakers.

I need money.

"Oh shit."

Was the first thing that came into my head, after realizing someone dangerously close to The Family (I'm not out to them, yet) has stumbled upon this blog. A quick phone call was administered to the said person and it's sufficient to say that things turned out surprisingly well, she's fine with it and well, I'm relieved.



Sprayed my hair bright pink today, it later turned into a purplish shade (sadly).

Chatted a bit to a friend and went over his blog upon request. Looking through photos of the group he's in made me realize something: I'm actually glad I've moved away from KL in a way. I could never fit into the predominantly Cina cultured cliques back there no matter how accommodating they were, or I was. It was mostly due to language incompatibility (my mandarin is rudimentary at best, I can't manage canto at all) which becomes a huge barrier, to say the least.

Here, it's expected that you communicate using English, Singlish or otherwise, de facto. Mandarin is deemed of lower status and is scorned upon.

I love it.

Cite Your Sources

Two of my female coursemates, talking about a gay guy that I know.

A:OMG he's like so hot, I want him.
B:Really or not? Such a strong reaction, you.
A:YA?!?

The Sister, upon coming back with over a 100 bucks worth of makeup, texting a straight friend.

Sis:Do you want me to paint your nails.
Felix:Er it's okay, I'm a guy.
Sis:It's fine. How about hot pink, it'd make your nails look like candy. :D
Felix:...I don't keep long nails. You have nail paints?

It's obvious that you're articulate enough to produce better work. I expect more from you.

Paraphrasing

Anyway, you're damn hot lah.

-- - --
Did I mention I'm terribly enjoying my classes even though the schedule of each and the workload is enough to make even the toughest of students cry.

I want to be mediocre, but I can't.

I mean, this is it.

You're in art school, this is what you've been dreaming of ever from the first day you were forced to memorize that science textbook back in primary school.

No more excuses, you are going to excel no matter what.

Now, onto that assignment.

A letter I never sent

It's 4am and I can't sleep. The room still smells of sex.

You're a very complex person... manipulative, and good at it. Very observant. Intellectual, if I were ever to sit down and really talk to you it would be a very stimulating conversation indeed and this is coming from someone who would normally avoid being (or can't be bothered to be) argumentative, which I'm sure you've noticed. It isn't because you're not a great conversationalist.

I now realize you make very good company. Am impressed by your accomplishments and broad interests/knowledge at your age.

I think I have always subconsciously known it. Which is why I expected better behavior... or etiquette, from you (don't know the right word to use here). I don't know whether to be utterly disgusted or in awe, to think I've been so stupid, blind, easy, so easily hurt...

I think I look down on people too much sometimes. And in this case, too believing in the best of people as well. This has been a very humbling experience for me.

I'm sure you are aware that asian guys are more fragile, vulnerable than westerners because we're culturally cultivated to be cold people... myself included, I'm trying to learn and to change that. Raw emotion, openness, physical affection etc are all very rare. Hence all the "cruel" one night stands.. no mess, no emotional investment.

You might want to rethink your strategies to be relatively more considerate the next time you execute, which is going to be very soon. Only a suggestion, of course. I sincerely hope no one else has to ever go through what I went through.

Also... please do be careful with what you say, there's very thin, fine line between honesty and deception. Play a fair game, m'dear. Giving false hope and greediness are never good things. Just a friendly reminder. :)

You're a decent person. I hope I'm not wrong about you.

Feel free to respond at your leisure... this was no way intended to be offensive, rather, an acknowledgement of sorts, I would say. Anyway, we'll see if you really do mean to keep in touch. :)

Your friend,
Tim.

And you're very assuming and self absorbed.

That line kind of struck me and it's been playing over in my head for the past few days.

Insensitive Prick

Never thought I’ll say this, never, but damn I am loving school.

Rach:Do you need to eat Halal.
Me:*weird look* Er no, why?
Rach:Eh I thought you’re from Malaysia?

Hilarity ensures.

-- - --
We watched the music video for Sigur Ros - Vidrar Vel Til Loftarasa today as part of class. The exercise was to point out significant, obvious icons from each video and try to piece together the message it is trying to convey and finally, the context of each. It’s harder than it sounds, try dissecting Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box and you’ll get what I mean.

Anyway, while I was talking about the Sigur Ros video to the class, “...the father was trying to bend his son into being more of a typical male by making him play football, a very... hetero sport.”

I was going to say “straight”, caught myself and substituted it just in time- but not quite, for the lecturer coughed and said, “masculine, you mean.”

Now you don't need money when you look like that

Deh deh deh, deh deh deh.

Big black boots, long brown hair; she's so sweet with her, guilt back stare!

*go crazy*

There's a certain pressure to look good, when you're surrounded by design students. I hate it.

Interesting observation today, is wearing skinnies the new way to out yourself?

He was wearing a figure hugging V neck, brown, skinnies and pointed shoes, white, complete with a shiny manbag on hand. Gay much? Pretty much the usual fag attire is that right.

The other was in skinnies too, I can't recall the top he was wearing. I suppose they're interested in each other, while I'm classified, grouped and overlooked along with the rest of the nerd lookalikes that make up the most of my course mates. For some reason I swear, it's like my course consists of those who didn't get into visual comm (like myself). In other words,

Rejects.

I've not been running very high on self esteem recently.

All that fades away

Let’s get rid of the complications then.

Probably the most selfish, irresponsible thing I’ve heard anyone say to date, that sentence. In context, of course. I shan’t elaborate, because I can’t. Believe me there’s a lot of drama, juicy juicy drama. But I can’t blog about it. Sucks eh?

And I need to stop with the visualizing. It sucks to see someone else taking your place in all those happy dreams.

It just occurred to me I haven’t written anything about the trip down to Singapore and the subsequent days after. A lot of the stuff that happened I don’t want to talk about, so in a condensed, non juicy, boring version:

The flight down was pretty uneventful, I got some rather costly face/hair products confiscated because the bottles/containers were over 100ml and I can’t carry them on hand carry luggage. Also excess luggage weight was a total of 7kg charged at RM15/kg so RM105 had to be paid. Expensive.

I’d rave about Changi, but mixed feelings about the place have since been accumulated, more towards the negative so I shan’t talk about it.

Saw people. Stuff happened. The end.

I have a great urge to scream SHALLOW, but then again, so am I, thinking about it. But I must say, very nice moves, going about announcing it so the situation would look so much more glazed over than it really is. Smart.

Frustration disappointment sadness betrayal anger. Whoa like damn emotionally draining this rollercoaster ride of feelings.

-- - --
In other news I’ve moved into somewhere more permanent, in Tampines. It’s a nice room in a two storey HDB with a young couple in their late 20s, of which both are designers, so the place is quite nicely done up. Renovations are still ongoing (the stairwell looks... incomplete), but for the most part everything is finished.

There’s a rather nice outdoor balcony area with wooden sitting, very breezy due to the place being on the topmost floor. It overlooks the main center of Tampines with the MRT station in direct view. The trains and people can be seen moving about. Quite nice, really.

Orientation for design school starts tomorrow, so depending on whether I have to stay over in school and such, I might be MIA for a few days.

Something Ben said to me when we met for the first time struck me as peculiar when he said it: “I didn’t come with any expectations at all”, in response to me questioning whether he was surprised at my age (I got that a few times from people I met through this blog, apparently I come off as well, old).

We’ve all grown so used to worrying about whether we meet the other party’s expectations of ourselves (looks, mannerisms, physique, character, personality, to name some) when we meet other gay guys for the first time. The possibility of rejection leaves some insecure guys quavering in fear which makes things oh, so much worse.

It makes us all so self conscious.

I’ve had guys slot in last minute disclaimers a few minutes before meeting e.g. I’m actually fatter/shorter/old photo/”I look more mature” (implying horrible, wrinkled skin).

I’m not very good at rejecting other people. I admit I’m superficial myself to some extent, everyone is, well maybe except for Jesus and the christians, but Jesus is portrayed as a god-like entity who loves everyone regardless so he doesn’t count really, as with the Believers because the Goal is to aspire to be exactly like him. How did we side track into religion?

I saw C today, and strangely we spent quite an amount of time talking about Christianity over McCafé coffees at Orchard. Cozy spot, the outlet in front of the Shaw building.

Back on topic, I can be quite the Cruella (credit for this term goes to a previous crush). Oh speaking of that crush triggered a memory- I think I’ve been rejected two times. Significant rejections that I remember that is, both were because of my physique, oh believe me which is a source of constant worry. Big sigh.

Right, me a Cruella. Did you know pressing the volume down button on Sony Ericsson phones mutes ringtones so the phone effectively becomes silent without having to reject the call? I do that to guys I don’t want to talk to or deal with. The more persistent ones can retry a call so many times, the more the number of unanswered calls rack up, the more irritated I get to a point where I end up not calling back at all. Or ever.

What makes people think calling 20+ fucking times in a row (this actually happened) would help any? When I don’t answer a call, it means I’m busy and/or I don’t want to deal with you.

Wah, so much anger.

And right, rejecting people. I just can’t say “no” in a variety of situations but thinking about it, it’s more cruel to not give a direct answer and leave the guy hanging, is it not? To top it all off I prefer straight out rejections, myself. Would I be happier with an indirect non-answer? There’s an element of hope that type of answer carries, a flicker of a tiny tiny possibility that just maybe, maybe. A lot of times there’s completely none of that, it’s just polite, nice and easier to say. I default to that a lot of the time. This may need to change.

Having no internet sucks.

♫ Gementar harus jangan, jiwaku harus bertenaga! Mungkin kini, menjadi realiti

And the floodgates break open

The same feeling of despair.

I can go all lyrical like the last time, but let's have a bit of variety shall we.

But then I have no idea what to say, a chokehold of emotions I can't put into words, yet.

Some people might say I'm being drama, but y'know, I don't develop feelings for just anyone very easily. So when it does happen (twice so far, surprisingly from two very different situations), well. Let's just say they've never even had the chance to develop into a happy ending.

So much for "cute meh". it makes me sick. At least this adds more to experience, I guess.

Why do I even feel the need to explain myself? It's all in the game.

I have a feeling I'd end up a cynical old man at a very young age, just like somebody I know ;)

Moving on.

LOL Starbucks reverts back to the original logo for a bit. (Photos)

Yes I've been rather quiet updates-wise, compared to the previous 1 post every 2 days average. I'm still alive.

A certain someone is organizing (what I assume he hopes to become) an orgy "in the woods".

*rolls eyes*

Despo much? Some people.

Well they were right about one thing, there's a much higher chance of guys in Singapore being english ed. I'm not even talking about the guys having half a brain here (not to say that they don't).

Being able to inject sarcasm into a regular routine kiss/heart/point-message-msn conversation is a very, very welcome break from what I'm used to being forced to put up with (I can so totally be more selective now, good).

"Perk up", I say to myself as I look in the mirror. The guy I see in the reflection is not what I want to be.

On an completely unrelated note, to the guy who shares the same name: I suddenly realize it's not anything else other than plain, simple jealousy. Maybe a lil teeny bit of attraction, somewhere in that mixture of feelings. I make no sense, please disregard.

Oh and the flight's been moved forward to the 9th, which is tomorrow. Been frantically trying to push appointments with people into the remaining time which as of writing is about a day and a half.

Tired Excuses

And the fire fades away, most of every day  

Annie and I updated each other about the guys in our lives for a bit. Swapped photos, gossiped, ogled (she didn't go "cute meh?", unlike the rest of the people who I've sent snaps to— I'm glaring at you Deric) and finally, wished each other well with our love lives. I've always felt our characters were rather similar so she unsurprisingly remains one of the two friends from high school I still talk to.

Figuring I'd need to somehow survive for the next 7 days, I headed for Midvalley on a Saturday night to do some grocery shopping. I know, how dumb. Both of the two hypermarkets were packed, and I mean packed. The lines for checkout stretched into the aisles! Even the express lanes weren't moving! I couldn't find a basket anywhere so I ended up doing kind of a balancing act with the items.

I am so sick, sick sick of instant consumables. Any sort. Instant soup, instant powdered drinks, instant noodles, instant oats, did you know there's now instant RICE as well (albeit expensive).

Went out with Jansen today who I'd hopefully get to see again before I leave. I'm so embarrassed really, because I need/want to see some people before the 14th but I can't afford to go out.

The series of images to the right is taken from the front page of Trevvy.com, they are "featured" profiles put in rotation.

Is it just me, or is there something terribly dysfunctional about our little scene?

Oh and apparently, the new Mariah album leaked.

Fuck this shit

I'm broke.

Some RM300 which was supposed to contribute to rent for this month went missing, I'm not sure how it happened.

So I'm left with an odd 100 bucks to cover me for an ENTIRE week! Are you friggin' kidding me how am I gonna survive.

A stark contrast from the days when I was averaging around 3k a month, throwing 50 ringgit notes around like nobody's business.

I can't do this freelance shit, I have no self discipline.

On a lighter note I saw X today, in that ever smiling happy aura she radiates, definitely will miss her. I won't get to see her in a while. She was gracious enough to pay for most of the day's expenditures, including a very sinful treat to dessert at Delicious (big sis of the now infamous d'lish).

A big sigh as I type this out.

I've been trying to see all the people in KL who are close to my heart before I leave. Conflicting schedules and all that, not fun. Plus that fact that I'm now unexpectedly broke isn't helping.

it was an amazing live performance...some singer just sound good in the album..not in live perfomance...but KT you are ROCKSSS..really talented..

Yes, KT are rocks.

Failed Goals

The first thing Deric said, no, screamed, when he saw my hair was

OMG nice haircut! So gay, but nice!

You know, good byes are never easy, especially when you're leaving wonderful things behind. That might have been why a very out of place hug was administered when I saw him yesterday— right smack in the middle of Center Court, Midvalley.

You know, familiarity is nice. I like familiarity. I like to know where all three outlets of Starbucks are in a building, for if the favorite spot is unexpectedly packed I can make a beeline to the next one without fuss to get that emergency shot of caffeine.

Knowing where all the buses are and their timings; the best spot and time to hail a cab: no crowd, no line guarantees use of the meter. No fuss.

Also food, 50% after 9pm haha. As I'm typing this out, I'm munching on a Turkey Ham & Cheese sandwich from yesterday's loot which consisted of a rather large serving of Bolognese and a quiche— all obtained for RM20. Outrageously amazing, I think.

I am so going to miss KL.

I had lost my DiGi SIM when in Singapore, having kept the yellow piece of plastic in the wallet (how stupid) after swapping it out for a Singtel. Luckily there wasn't much of a procedure to obtain a new one, a flash of the IC and it was all over within 5 minutes. Even credit is retained, how convenient.

In the spirit of doing crazy things before leaving a place, we've planned an outing to go to one of them Axcest movie screenings tonight. God knows who I'd see there, but all should be fun— interesting, at least. I hope BK is coming along. :)

Beauty of Uncertainty

Something K said once always comes back to me: I don't settle for second best.

Somehow the fact that I didn't get the first choice irks the hell out of me, amongst other things.

You know what, I'm a bitch. I don't tolerate for the sake of it and no way am I accommodating.

Also, commitment issues. I'm starting to have doubts.

I'm starting to think moving to Singapore isn't turning out to be such a great idea after all.

This post sucks because here it is again, I am so amazingly tempted to bitch the hell out about some people but I can't, for it isn't in my best interests to do so.

What's the point, seriously.

And once again, censorship.

Let's see now.

This is no way a complete entry. More detailed writing to follow, I suppose. I'm way too lazy at the moment.

What initially was supposed to be an outing of two turned into a group rather fast. I don't think I've ever been to Long John Silver's so many times in a single day (three). Or any single food establishment, for the matter.

KT Tunstall was amazing.

There, I've even made that single sentence into a paragraph to emphasize how amazing the whole experience was. I bought a tee after the show without trying it on, fully expecting it to not fit. Surprisingly it did, and nicely, too. Very happy about it.

Why does Singapore Starbucks' brew tastes better, different?

Saw C (yes, he makes a rather sudden, random comeback from nowhere) and he's still fab as ever.

I know someone famous! Someone whose writing I used (and now continue) to admire back when the link first arrived in a MSN window. The world is too small, damnit.

And I suppose PLAY is better on a Saturday night hm? A visit worthwhile, though. Getting buzzed at a food center beforehand then only making your way into a club is rather clever, I must admit.

A glimpse into the Singapore scene reveals a long forgotten source of hate related to D. He's more of an ass than I've imagined. Maybe this deep loathing stems from the fact that he had touched him. I feel murderous.

It's now mid-afternoon on a sunny Singapore day, and I think I've just got stood up by R.

Current Mood: Hungry.
Current Song: Bleeding Love - Leona "LOL" Lewis

Insignificant Life Update™ —

The bad thing about having your friends know about your blog is that you can't really blog about... well, them.

Battling between staying true to integrity within journalism or heading down that path of self censorship, and once again back to square one. So shit, why even bother with anonymity.

Libu dibu douchoo

Okay. I am aware the photo is a little risque but after consulting a few people I decided to put it up anyway. Mostly the reactions have been along the lines of a few hundred LOLs and "this is so wrong" followed by another round of LOLs.

Also since putting up the post I've had a few people ask whether "that is me" in the photo? Yes it is. I know I'm scrawny but I have no shame hahaha. Eh I very free go find people to model naked covered with BN flags to pose for me is it.

I wanted to take one of them banners and drape myself in it and at the crotch area it proclaims, "Undilah BN!" in a pleading sort of way (emphasized by a raging hard on, or something).

— To Deric and Brian while walking to the LRT

It's like the ultimate endorsement. For BN.

A friend came over to help with finishing the half bottle of Absolut that has been sitting there for a while now, and noticing the leftover elections material draped all over the place that somehow got missed by cleanups, we decided to take some of it as keepsakes. In remembrance.

50 years later or something, the flags would be discovered in a box and I'd be 80 and go like "when I was your age..." etc. Shahrizat for Lembah Pantai banners would have been more significant but all of the ones we could find were all either torn or stuck together, rendering them kinda useless. Pity.

Brian's a funny chap.

Like, you know, those 18 year olds who are all Hi~~~ ^_^V Bukit Bintang, want be friend

Current Mood: Amused
Current Song: Stoppin' the love - KT Tunstall

Insignificant Life Update™ —

Seems like I'd be going down to Singapore after all, for KT. I feel guilty for splurging, but meh.

I updated the blog header image with a red d'lish paper bag at Deric's suggestion. Yes, it reads d'lish, only upside down.

Apparently I got spotted while out last Saturday, by an ex or one of his friends. Things didn't end well with him, actually, things ended really badly. I have a feeling this isn't gonna turn out so good.

And is it bad I feel like saying this to a friend directly to his face?

You don't have much of a brain, do you.

A moment in Time

I hope it isn’t showing, but I think I love you
I can’t believe you’re leaving, just when I let you in
When you had me believing, I could feel again

Mine was the heart I never thought you would break
My one hope was, that I’d survive you

Being your half-boyfriend was only, half bad.

Kowareta, taisetsu na, mono lo

wind it up wind it up ooh yeahh, wind it up wind it up ooh yeahh
it's gettin' late im makin' my way over to my favorite place

Nothing has changed really. The same smell of cigarette smoke lingers, tantalizing of sex and lust.

The sight of familiar faces surprised me somewhat. The scene is small. Nonetheless a good night out with decent company.

It was good to revisit again, letting memories be cast into the past.

Current Mood: Panicky
Current Song: Mushaboom - Feist

Insignificant Life Update™ —

Maybe I'll regret this later but the plan to go down to Singapore to see KT Tunstall has been foiled. Meanwhile I wait in anticipation for the 27th, when whether I'd be packing bags to move down to the island republic will be revealed.

It'll mean rebuilding everything from scratch, but I remain optimistic.

I'm starting to love Jay Brannan's music. He was in Shortbus, a film that most fags seem to have heard of. Check out his Myspace, "Soda Shop" is definitely worth a listen. He also has a Youtube channel, check out his videos if you have time. He talks in a certain fag-like manner which I find is such a turn on.

I still have to ask Y for her Shortbus DVD. The last time I saw her was at Devi's at Bangsar, which was relocated from it's old location to make way for Shahrizat's operations center. Also met her latest girlfriend, who just happens to be her ex's best friend. *rolls eyes* Lesbians. :)

Her girlfriend is interesting, someone I wouldn't mind talking to her again. She works for a company which serves as a front for various online giants (MSN, Yahoo etc) to sell localized advertising. Yes, they were responsible for the BN adverts you all saw online during the elections.

A couple of friends had run an almost comedic setup during the elections in form of a "Mak Bedah" operation to "shop around for candidates", prodding candidates with questions and such. Here is one they did with dear Shahrizat. I find it extremely funny, given the situation; whoever crafted that post has a knack for writing. No surprises there really, since most of them are journalists or copywriters of some sort. Grace and Meesh writes for The Edge.

Meera: Given the importance of education, would you build a library here?
Sharizat: Yes, Meera. What else do you want?

Sharizat then bade her farewell then by lightly touching Meera’s face.

Current Mood: Anxious over uncompleted work
Current Song: Shooting Star - Broken Scar

Insignificant Life Update™ —

I've been visiting thestar.com.my periodically to check up on how the mainstream media is reporting on election news. This headline on the front page caught my eye today- "Meet Azali, 21A student". So blablabla-ing through the article, as expected, praises of islam and such and of course he got an A1 for the islamic "Sure A1" subjects (the few malays that were in my school consistently got 90+ marks for islamic studies. They also consistently failed all their other subjects).

So why not 21A1, but 21A?

'cause he got an A2 for EST (for those unaware, EST, acronym for English for Science and Technology, is another "Sure A1" subject widely touted as well, a waste of time. Very much like Moral Studies). How embarrassing :)

Patching Holes

Yeah I know, I'm a bit late with my "yet another" contribution to the giant pool of posts on the subject of the recent elections and results.

The 2008 general elections I'm sure made it's mark on a lot of people, myself included. I'd be very surprised if this won't be going down in our Sejarah textbooks in latter years.

Lim Kit Siang's now infamous phrase, "the winds of change are blowing". The loose coalition of opposition parties led by Anwar Ibrahim to wrestle as much parliamentary seats as possible to deny BN a 2/3 majority. The effort was a spectacular runaway success.

That man has sure picked himself up and started fighting back after falling down, hard. Even Dr. M himself admitted that his arrest and imprisonment under false charges was, to quote: "ini adalah satu, kezaliman".

For the first time ever since 1969, the opposition forms government in 5 states, and not just any 5 states, we're talking about Selangor (most developed state) and Penang (PM's home state) here. Dear BN was also denied 2/3s majority in parliament which denies them of the right to amend the constitution at their will- which they've abused countless times over the years.

The Puteri Reformasi's win against her opponent BN big guns Shahrizat in Lembah Pantai is personally close to heart.

Izzah's campaigning was very modest, compared to the sudden swamp of the blue BN "UNDI PAK LAH", "ONLY ONE CHOICE" banners, flags, posters, what have you, all plastered with Shahrizat's overly airbrushed, obviously photoshoped glam photo. Everything was just so fake and plastic, so overdone (I plan to pick up one of these posters as a keepsake).

Imagine the obscene amount of money poured into these "campaign" expenditures, wholly sponsored by, you guessed it, the taxpayers. Us.

To top it all off, Yasmin Ahmad (of Sepet fame) and Tony Fernandes (we're all so fond of AirAsia) held an "event" at Bangsar Village, which turned out to be a book launch for Yasmin's new book. Apparently Yasmin now writes (running out of money is it)? Which turned out to be a cover to get people to the Shahrizat ceramah right outside the building, of which Pak Lah was present.

It all screams insecurity on BN's part. Extremely so.

Too bad only an odd 2k showed up at the massively celebrity big name endorsed campaign speech conveniently right outside Bangsar Village, compared to the 15k at Izzah's ceramah held at a random carpark in Brickfields. A foreshadow of the impending big BN loss, I suppose.

Izzah won. I rest my case.

I'd also like to touch on the subject of ...people, being overtly enthusiastically optimistic at this big "political tsunami", a sudden change, turn of tide. I'm talking about those who talk of a Brighter Future, a Better Malaysia as if it is all set in stone. Please be reminded that this is politics. There is no such thing as a politician who isn't a rogue.

I'd like to end this post with a link to this article.

Shootin' Star

You lock yourself inside, in the world of isolation.
Now there's no turning back.

Why hello there,
Did you get to be a star.
Did you get to be, who you are
Tonight

And hey there,
Did you find out who you are.
Did you finally get to see the one?
That you wanted to be, right now.

I'm kind of annoyed at something someone did. We'll see how this pans out, in the meantime I'll try not to think about it.

Current Mood: Quirky and Hopeful
Current Song: Untouched - The Veronicas

Insignificant Life Update™ —

Feeling slightly burned from another irregular day/night sleep schedule messiness. Coffee is needed to be consumed soon. Grocery shopping the day before should last a few days until the cash cheque fuckup is sorted out on the 16th.

Thank god for d'lish, the spaghetti bolognese was super awesome, I gave it a 7/10 (which is quite high by my stingy giving of points to well, anything). Deric seems to have loved the duck confit, but even the Starfucks sandwich he had earlier he gave a 9/10, haha though admittedly it was quite good. I had packed an additional turkey ham and cheese croissant which I finished a few hours earlier as a midnight snack. Awesome, as well. Now I know what to get the next time.

Tonique Visage

There's just something about the Blogger New Post screen that intimidates. The presence of a screamingly loud "Paperbag Boy" blog title on the top right serves as a reminder that what I'm writing is going to be consumed not only by me, but by a whole bunch of other people, be it known acquaintances or that random visitor from Google.

How do I present what I want to talk about today? Even the ability to come up with a suitable post title eludes me most of the time.

I was going through old websites and blogs of mine from 2002 right up to 2005, there was this random blog from 2004 which held some of my accounts of hospitalization. While it was really fun reading through them and laughing away, I couldn't help but notice the naive, carefree tone I adopted, practiced and even promoted: "The whole point of the Internet is to liberate yourself from the bounds of traditional media, freedom of speech being one of these". Okay stop laughing, I was 16 okay. Funny how things have changed since.

Constructing a post for this blog can be a daunting task. It's not like writing a diary or similar, I can grab a piece of paper and a pen and I'll fill it up in no time. A very casual affair- the piece of paper can later be discarded and forgotten about, you know, it's just writing for the fun of it.

I've always enjoyed writing. Having attended a chinese secondary school, there weren’t much people that were proficient in English and even if there were, their grasp of the language was rudimentary. There were two other people in class who were somewhat English educated, one because of an angmoh mother and the other’s parents both had used English to communicate with their kids since young.

Remember passing notes on paper was popular in school? These were usually really one time things lasting only a short span of time- one, two responses and that would be it.

I don’t remember what exactly started it, but the three of us started a continuous conversation on pieces of A4 paper, later switching to exercise books so the conversation could be kept and reread, for whatever reason. Using an exercise book also kept the teachers’ suspicions at bay, there wasn’t much wrong in passing an exercise book around was there? For this reason, we never got caught nor was the book ever confiscated, thankfully, because the things that were said through that book could make even the most lenient of discipline teachers’ heads boil.

As we went through book after book of written conversation, we adopted a name for it. “Our Secret Conversations” or OSC, it was christened. It established and strengthened a bond of friendship between three very unlikely people that wouldn’t have been friends otherwise. A sports fanatic, a "motherly" type and well, a fag. Who would have thought.

There were no set requirements nor were there self imposed expectations of whatever. Just three childish teenagers filling up exercise books with inane, idiotic and often just plain mean observations or thoughts on the surroundings. I miss that.

People have expressed surprise when I show my bimbotic and extremely shallow side and in rare cases, disgust (it has happened). I normally watch what I say and be selective with my words in casual moderation, so I can understand the notion of surprise when I let loose and become extremely Mean Girls (usually triggered when I've had copious amounts of caffeine, alcohol or when extreme tiredness sets in with brain operating at half the capacity and I just can't be bothered with keeping my manners in check).

It's sometimes fun to be extremely childish again, is it not.

We are whores

So I thought it'd be fun to pay homage to the new Mecca of the Starfucks chain. They've recently opened their 100th outlet in Malaysia with much fanfare.



The place is significantly larger than most of the other establishments especially if compared to the ones in malls. It is at Jaya One, which is a fucking maze.

Being occupants in a building that is directly opposite a university has it's obvious pros and cons.



"Is this your first time having an Americano?"

Perhaps the fact that the place is infested with the student population suggests that the staff had received additional training.

Y'know, in case of those stupid customers who don't know what they're ordering and are disgusted with the sludge they get and never come back again.

Ku ingin dia, saat pertama

It's been a while since the last gig and Deric wanted to see Estrella live, so off we went to this month's FlyFM's Campur chart live, a new monthly thing they're doing at Laundry where Estrella was due to perform.

A bit about Estrella. Originally a three person group which later went on to become just two- Liyana, her extremely beautiful vocals complimented by Yob's extremely good playing of the guitar. Their jazzy slash indie style of music, endearing lyrics captured the hearts of many and soon the songs Ternyata Indah and Stay became favorites amongst KL's open mic/indie gig scene. Appearances became more frequent and the duo shot into popularity the latter part of last year. They formed a group adding a drummer, percussion and bass and recently released a self titled album (yes I've been stalking them for a while now).

The crowd that night was very different compared to the type of people you'd expect at Laundry where music events and gigs are usually hosted by Moonshine or Bazooka etc. I guess FlyFM's listeners and target demographic is totally not the same! You do not see or do reenactments of mosh pits at Laundry, for fuck's sake. Dare I say... it was very, very shockingly rempit.

Things generally calmed down when Estrella came on stage, thankfully. As Ternyata's bass intro began, the crowd started clapping to the beat preceding the first verse, where Liyana's voice was joined in unison singalong from the audience (video). I couldn't help but smile then. Even now, I smile at the reminisce. You know you've achieved something as an unsigned, previously relatively unknown indie band when there's an unexpected big turnout of people who sing along to your lyrics. They've come a long way since their early open mic days.

Useful Links

• Youtube playlist of their videos
  A collection of live performances and other goodies in chronological order- start from the first.


• Myspace/Facebook
  Where three of their full length songs can be sampled.

Ternyata Indah

Ku lihat dia, pandangan pertama
Ternyata indah
Senyuman liriknya

Ku ingin dia, saat pertama
Berjumpa dengannya, membuat aku gelisah

Waktu pun berlalu, hari demi hari
Hatiku dambakannya, untuk bercinta lagi

Ku lihat dia, pandangan pertama
Berjumpa dengannya, membuat aku gelisah

Waktu pun berlalu, hari demi hari
Hatiku dambakannya, untuk bercinta lagi

Randoms

Hilarious quote of the day:

I thought of inviting him along, but he doesn't now what an Estrella is

My Fridae blacklist has become a sizable collection of old "GWM" men. Sigh.

We're all in the dance

The past few days has certainly been very enjoyable. It's been a while since I've had the pleasure of being in such great company and it kinda made me realize, you know, it's all about the people.

I love you guys. :)

From, enjoying a steaming tall mug of coffee laughing away at the most silly of things; laughing uncontrollably to the more unfortunate albeit at the expense of other people but hey, bitching is like the second nature to gay people right? Placed only after all the fornication, of course.

Strutting around malls with three other queens has never been so much fun.

There's just something about being with your "own kind" that puts you completely at ease and thus being able to laugh away happily, being oh, so carefree and did I mention, happy?

I've always had a penchant for not liking to hang around straight guys because firstly, they'd look at you all weird if you're out (accidentally or otherwise), or display extreme homophobia or hate towards. I've had a close guy friend of mine who I'm not out to say this to me once: "I pity those gays you know, they can't obtain love from girls so they turn to guys". Needless to say my relationship with him frazzled after that. Then there's all the DoTA, the football, the vaginas, the quick dismissal of culture, the sloppiness of they dress and carry themselves-- to a point they seem like another different species altogether.

Come on, how can you be seen wearing an old tee from giordano with jeans bluer than ink. I mean, honestly.

I do have guy friends who are extremely accepting and displays surprising empathy. A lot of these artsy types for example, can take being the subject of an extremely homo (but not degrading) joke with stride. I love these people, I really do. But at the end of the day they just can't relate, not really. You can't launch into a discussion of the last time you topped and had shit all over your equipment. Nor how podium queens shove each other all the while gyrating away to Piece of Me.

I watched Paris, Je T'aime yesterday with F, someone I haven't seen for a while. Typing this out makes me smile, who knew the free flow drinks bar at Carls Jr. is perfectly adequate for mixing mocktails? The movie is of friendship, love, relationships between people. A drug dealer and his actress client, aging father and her lesbian daughter, a chance encounter between an artist and a guy-- a passing tourist that doesn't speak his language. In a way it's like Love Actually on crack, this has a whole plethora of sub stories that you don't necessary see how things end but each conveys the same thing at the end: Love.

Drowning now, need some help

Josh: omg omg the face i wanna slap
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Won't reveal the target subject :)

I feel uneasy. Choking. Don't know why. I'm sure I know the reasons but I don't want, I choose not, to see things in the way they should be seen, in a way I know they should be seen.

Be grateful, accept and be content with what you have. These values were instilled within me as a child, taught and brought (brang HAHAHA) up with constant reminders from mom.

Be happy with who you are. God loves you.

This is whole uneasiness thing is affecting my ability to talk to people I usually feel completely at ease with. I think I need to relax a bit more and not care so much about expectations, judgement, outlook, impact, impression and so on so forth- but.

But I can't. Deep down, I know I can't. This path I've chosen, goals are set and there is no turning back now. Yet, I'm not pushing towards these goals as much as I should.

Heh. Maybe it's that time of the month again.

Take me the way I am

I just love capitalist establishments. Don't you? :)

It's hard for people to fathom how freelancers need to get out of the house to go somewhere, anywhere, to get work done. Just not at home.

Me: OMG why I do want to eat ... oh maybe because I'm STARVING
Deric: Have you eaten brekafast and lunch today?
Me: No :S
Deric: WHY do you do that to yourself? >.>
Me: I woke up at 2
Me: I don't knoww.
Me: This is why I have to be out of the house
Me: This is why I make it a point to go SOMEWHERE and not be in
Me: Or else this happens
Deric: Do you use an alarm clock?
Deric: Maybe you should force yourself to wake up early
Deric: You need a wife :S
Me: Hahahaha.

When met with the question of why... it's doesn't help that it's hard to explain, so more often than not you are met with a look of confusion on people's faces. I think I need to come up with a generic answer and/or lame joke to get the question out of the way, seeing how inevitable the question is.

This mug of coffee tastes horribly sweet yet bitter at the same time. Not a good thing. RM8.91 for this muck. Sigh.

Jer once said it's incredibly hard for Malaysians to be straightforward. Stop for a moment to really think about it, it's true ain't it. It can be incredibly hard for Malaysians to be absolutely straightforward without inhibitions, without hiding behind flowery words sprinkled here and there, without the use of euphemism in general- playing on words that carry double meanings, in hopes the other party interprets the hinted, mixed message in it's original form and meaning.

More often than not, this fails and relationships are charred.

Which was why I was rather surprised when J (yes, another new one) asked the waiter how big the cup is for a RM12 juice and going "rather small isn't it (oops)" after the guy roughly mimed out the size for him. I think the waiter was rather taken aback at his response, I'd imagine he's more used to pursed lips or rolling of eyes as a sign of disapproval rather than outright, spoken disapproval and showing of discontentment. Rather tactless on his part, but this form of brutal honesty is somewhat refreshing.

Not that I think this sort of behavior is disgraceful because it is "not Malaysian". I rather admire people who can be so brutally honest without flinching, it takes a lot for a person to be like that (especially Malaysians). Large, hefty doses of sheer confidence, for one. From what I have seen so far, this J radiates of confidence, the whole "be proud of yourself be who you are don't care what other people think as long as your happy and comfortable" kinda guy. One of the very few people can actually be what they say they are, I think. D was like that as well.

Namatse. Peace out. :)

Steady feet, don't fail me now

Honesty, is what you need
It sets you free, like someone to save you

-- - --

I would like to touch on the subject of anonymity, of this blog. Specifically, my identity.

The use of initials of people is mostly to protect identities, it affords me the luxury to bitch. Everyone knows how small the scene is. Good blogs (the juicy ones) are more often than not forced to shut down after a bit because of this. Word gets around, privacy is invaded, violated. Bitch fits and cat fights ensue.

Total anonymous posting was the goal of the blog when I first started this and I'm glad that is still being maintained, somewhat. It's become sort of a pseudo anonymity thing. I'm perfectly fine with people knowing who I am when I feel like I can trust them to NOT scrutinize and/or criticize me for being... well, who I am, how I depict myself as a person on through these inane postings.

A jolt into reality today. A guy I added from somewhere told me he reads this blog.

Y'know, a year ago I would have never thought haunting Starbucks would become a routine, typing blog posts from a laptop with two coffee mugs on the side, on top of a smallish coffee table.

But it's all been done before.

Before [noun], there was [synonym of shit].

When I'm Gone

Remember Simple Plan?

Hey dad look at me, sorry I can't be perfect, welcome to my life? cringe

...OF COURSE YOU DO!

Yeah? Well, they're back.

Here's a sample of how they sound like now, the video strangely bearing resemblance to the 2nd gen iPod Nano ads from Apple.

Whoa much?

Mushaboom, mushaboom

Deric claims I'm very Malaysian because I'm sitting in the Starbucks opposite d'lish waiting for 9pm to come around so I can get 50% discount off food.

Nothing really interesting has been happening in the past week. Well, nothing on the subject of this blog and/or blog-worthy?

Caramel Macchiato is like heaven in a cup.
Nutella is like heaven in a jar.
Penises are like sex on a stick.

Hahaha, okay I'm officially demented.

It's too late

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me? Where did you read my story?

All I wanted to say, all I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel, I wanted to love
It's all my fault now, a tragedy I fear

-- - --

Shall I continue on with the usual tirade of contempt at petty, but annoying things that occur in every day to day life? It seems to have become a routine on this blog.

I don't get why people wear shades indoors. Oh wait, I do. The low self esteems who absolutely need that teeny bit of confidence obtained by putting on funky shades, indoors. Regardless of how silly they look.

People who think posing with a single slice of cheese cake from Starbucks and taking a thousand photos with FLASH ON will somehow impress... who?

In all contradiction I dropped RM50 on hair today, on a trim that wasn't even really needed. Ah well, self consciousness can do a lot of things to people.

Weird how all the guys I meet and later deem dateable, would always be attached. I guess Cupid isn't on my side this Valentine's.

Go pikachu

Sometimes I like to attack my friends with a bit of Kelly C™.

Me: I CANT BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME
Me: SO MOVING ON
Me: YEAHH YEEEE YEAHHHHHHHHHH
Glady: *dives*
Me: since you been gone
Me: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE YOU BLEW IT
Me: SHUT YOUR MOUTH I JUST CANT TAKE IT
Glady: *splashes around pool of stupidity*
Me: AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
Me: loloolololololololoolololololololoolololololololoolololololololoolololololo
Me: what pool of stupidity
Glady: weeeeeeee~~~~~~~~
Glady: *sways here and there*

This is what happens.

But does it fit inside an envelope?

The 6th level Starbucks at Pavilion gives off a distinct impression with full length glass panel windows, a strange but efficient layout of tables without much compromise on space. As with all the newer joints, power outlets are abundant. WiFi access seems to be capped at 50kb/s for some reason, but who's complaining.

There is a small stretch of cushion backed seats, not the couch sofas too low to work out of; but normal seat level comfy cushy seats. From here, the glass windows offers a nice view of the outside walkway, where sunlight is streaming in through the skylight, illuminating the marble flooring. Lovely.

Conveniently tucked away on the 6th floor, it isn't as prone to "stumble upon" patrons as the other outlet on the ground floor. Much less traffic as a result.

5 stars.

Another place to fall

Yet another new day.

One venti green tea frappuccino with whipped cream!

There's a mamak right opposite the Starbucks on the ground floor Midvalley next to d'lish, I just noticed. Mental note to go there when I'm running short.

Overheard conversation of the day:

Loud Cina: Ni zai na li? (Where are you?)
Loud Cina: Oh. Star buck.

Is it acceptable to be extremely loud at coffee places? If you want to have a conversation at least try to keep your tone down in consideration for the people who do not appreciate the added noise. I think it's general courtesy. I suppose since the crowd is now infiltrated you can't expect much.

Should I just shut up and bear with mobile phones blaring "NEVER HAD A DREAM COME TRUE" as the ringtone and "YUO XING DE SMS" alerts? I guess so.

Interestingly enough, a quick glance up to the ceiling reveals a CCTV camera. Big brother is watching!

I would so not patronize Starbucks if it wasn't out of necessity.

If only KL had quiet, quiet libraries with free net access. Speaking of which, I have always found it weird that there are no known libraries, and it isn't a habit to utilize them! No wonder bookstores are flourishing. "Commercial libraries", D used to call 'em.

Growing up in Melbourne, it was a weekly ritual to visit the nearest community library (which happened to be the one at Northcote), and occasionally we'll make a trip to the bigger municipal one (at Preston). Membership cards were free or there was a miniscule, nominal fee. The card allowed lending of 40 books at once, which was virtually an unlimited amount of books, a limit superimposed to stop people from borrowing the whole library I'm guessing! Favorite borrows were the Where's Wally? series, comics e.g. Asterix... they had an obscene amount of them.

Reading was largely encouraged at school and all forms of incentives was given to cultivate it as a habit. I was reading Roald Dahl at the age of 9. Normal by aussie standards I suppose, but here you have 17 year old Form 5 students "reading" a condensed version of Robinson Crusoe. Bitch, please. English classes spent in a Malaysian high school was... interesting. We had a myriad of English teachers over the years and sleeping, or reading novels from Sweet Valley High (the original series written by Francine Pascal, not the horrid ones produced by ghostwriters in latter years) to classics by Charles Dickens became habitual behavior. They couldn't outwit me anyway. I was a rather petty rebel back in high school, but that's a longer story.

I love hearing the sing song voice of the Starbucks staff as they repeat orders to the ones on duty making the drinks. Onee gran deh laaa teh!

To the Left, To the Left

You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

Been analyzing my relationships with people recently. Taking a step back to take a good look at things. How much do you mean to the other party? Do you mean as much as them to you? The recent passing of age was a nice gauge of things I suppose.

I'm gonna take a dump with writing the paragraphs below so proceed with caution and AVOID if you are allergic to negativity in general (I know people who are like that- K is a fine, fine example... more about him later).

There are people who are extremely hard to read. The best analysis I get is the feeling he isn't really interested in any of the people he talks to online (myself included). It's just something to fill up his time while he has nothing to do. I guess once school starts again for him, the window with his name and "Hi" will stop appearing. Let's see if I'm right. I'm not sure what to make of this really. I'm like, entertainment to him. Should I oblige, humor him and do just that? Entertain. Dead end conversations or one liners where it's obvious both parties aren't trying very hard to keep the conversation alive. We're just talking to each other out of convenience- you're online, I'm online... talk? What a waste of time.

Then there's the emo problem spillers (note the S's) where you're forced to play the role of a psychiatrist or even worse, a professionally trained counsellor at times. There's only so much "It'll be ok" "I'm sure it'll be fine" that can be said until it gets old. I'm a designer, not a psychology major. I don't need to know your share of problems loaded on with mine. I'm not saying it's terribly wrong to share some of your problems with people (who actually CARE about you) once in a while when you're terribly down and when it's not a frequent thing... sometimes people just need a shoulder to cry on. But when it becomes frequent and/or on a daily basis... rants to me will usually be met with silence because simply put: I don't know what to say and what I DO want to say right in your face: GET A FUCKING GRIP OF YOURSELF, will just make things worse. I'm too polite. But I'm not a bin for dumping emotional trash.

Then there's the judgmental goody two shoes who thinks he's better than everyone else. I love Joey for saying this to me once, no, a few times: you know, though I don't do it myself, I don't judge people who do casual hookups. It's alright. I really appreciated that coming from him. Sadly there are people who are the complete opposite, saying extremely offensive things against people who do play around, WITH the intent to offend. Seriously, who are you to judge? I would dismiss it on the grounds of him being green, which sadly includes both arrogance and ignorance as virtues but really. Not even an apology. *rolls eyes* I have more important things to worry about.

Why do some people just not get the message? I have not replied to any of your texts, emails, calls, and have even shunned you in person. WHY do you still keep bothering me? It is obvious I do not want anything more to do with you and your disgusting hypocritical thinking and way of life.

-- - --

Then there are the people who makes you shine, radiate with happiness and joy whenever they pop up in your life. You guys rock, I really am grateful for all of you all's existence and for being in my life thus far. :)

Happy birthday to me. I'm getting older.

Never were a friend of mine

u sure grown, my timmy boy...

Yes I have. Now let's get on with our lives.

I think I'm extremely attracted to layered hair

The start of Saturday is spent sitting in a McDonalds at 4 in the morning, unwillingly biting into a bland chicken patty and sipping diluted soda while watching a cockroach make its way across the table. God, it better not come near my Macbook Pro. A song that came on over the speakers, tossed me into a state of nostalgia.

Oh and that's why

Your eyes (I'm over it) your smile (I'm over it)
Realized, I'm over it, I'm over it, I'm over

Wanting you to be wanting me
No, that ain't no way to be
How I feel? Read my lips, because I'm so over
I'm so!

Moving on, it's my time, you never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first, a little bit, but now
I'm so over it

I'm over your hands, and I'm over your mouth
Trying to drag me down, and fill me with self doubt

That's why, your words (I'm over it)
So sure (I'm over it) I'm not your girl (I'm over it)

Hunger pangs forced me out of the house a few hours ahead of schedule, hence the McDonalds. Dinner earlier consisted of only a side of roasted potatoes. It was with some people (links to relevant posts) to see Joey; he's heading to Australia. It'd be a long while before I see him again.

The plan is to hop onto the SkyBus later to LCCT for the flight back to the hometown for CNY. Planning to sleep while on what I hope to be an uneventful flight back home.

-- - --

KT Tunstall will be performing in Singapore on March 27th! It’ll cost at least a grand to make the trip down, but so worth it can! Now I just need to buck up and start taking up work instead of slacking around all day.

-- - --

The bus ride, surprisingly, took only 45 minutes from Sentral to the LCCT. The last time I went down it took two hours. Then again I had opt for the cheaper-by-one-ringgit "Aerobus" (which takes weird long winding roads to avoid toll plazas) instead of the official SkyBus. So people! Lesson learnt: spend an extra ringgit to save 75 minutes of your life.

There was this guy I saw at McDonalds whose layered hair caught my eye. He later sat down in the seat in front of me on the bus, so I had the privilege of admiring the back of his head.

I think it's very true how you don't appreciate the little things until it's missing when you expect it. Getting to the LCCT, putting down heavy bags at a table, I walked over to the Coffee Bean counter and was greeted by a grumpy face! I was rather taken aback. Too accustomed to the ever friendliness of Starbucks staff, perhaps. Picked up a scone and asked for a cup of water and was charged for bottled water instead. Nice.

Now they're blasting horrible music really loudly over the speakers. Great. Umbrella just came on.

The guy with the layered hair walked in and sat down with a laptop a few tables away. I'm starting to think it might be fate.

I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Harder, longer, deeper; deep into your soul

Panic.

In about two days I'm due back at the hometown for some gong xi fa cai xin nian quai le.

Yes there is great joy in seeing the immediate family again, maybe minus a bit of Mother's infamous Nag™. More energy spent on dealing with extended family during the obligatory dinner where the Question™ will always come up: "Where your girlfriend ah?".

And also the whiney fag bitches who had probably gossiped up a storm about a certain someone.

One thing I'm looking forward the most to is seeing all the old friends again. It will be very interesting to see how some of them have changed.

-- - --

A spontaneous suggestion to dinner with a new acquaintance led to one thing after another. Time just, flew by. Before we both were aware, it was already striking midnight on a work day... night. Being in branding, he sure does have a way with words: so what is your opinion on "liberal conduct of nonchalant fornication as an recreation" (my choice of words are poor, his were way better weasel words).

In the morning before we were to step out of the house, he encountered his housemates (a young married couple) in the common area of the apartment. Shyly he had asked them to "step into their room" because he had "brought someone home" and that he's "shy". He later said the two were chuckling.

I think he ignited the running nose and flu again. Ahhhh ahhH choo!

White Lies, Champagne

I vaguely remember sitting at a Starbucks feeling rather tipsy on Friday night with a slight fever running, downing ice cold water in attempt to cool down the increasing temperature my body was starting to get to. Cold fits every now and then had sent chills, making me shiver.

But ohh-oh no of course I still found the energy to poke fun at the RM5.15 mineral water Starfucks sells, bottled from Sungai Tiang, Kedah to friends that were on MSN.

The chills got worse as I made my way home. The walk from Sentral back home was a nightmare. Got back and broke two tablets Redoxon® into what was left of the Starfucks Sungai Tiang water, downed it and went to sleep, feverishly hoping things would be better tomorrow since I had to meet S.

-- - --

Staggering around downtown KL on a Saturday afternoon in a sedated state thanks to Panadol Cold & Flu was downright strange. Good day out nonetheless.

The rest of the night was spent at a house party. Straight crowd, but rather fun. Alcohol abundant, nice place, mostly friendly people, so no complaints there really. It was funny watching drunk white guys chasing after my equally drunk girl friends, for sex. There was this hot guy whom I overheard works at Frangi but didn't catch his name. He left early.

Don't think I'll have so much fun in a very long time.

Can't get enough
When you're telling me the white lies
Champagne
It's getting rough and I wanna know
If I'm addicted to your white lies
In vain

-- - --

A guy just walked in (no points for guessing where) and wanted to know if they have "teh ais". The cashier looked at him and went, we have "black tea". Would you like to try that?

After much convincing the guy the tea isn't actually black, the guy finished off with a "boleh kurang manis?"

The cashier cringed.

Food is overrated

I'm gonna try blogging bimbo-style. Since this is gonna be a flog post.

Okay so like yesterday? No the day before since it's Friday already and I have so much work omg I can't finish but that's besides the point BUT OK SO ANYWAY on Wednesday (I think. *checks calendar* ok that's correct) which happened to be the indian festival thing? Thai pusam or something? So it was a public holiday, I was supposed to meet Josh and CH for lunch but as usual overslept (notice how most of my blog posts are posted at around 4am? yep). So met them for dins instead Josh wanted to go to this like, posh Chinese place where we had this tea called Iron... fist of Goddess Mercy or something, loosely translated that is. Which pretty much tasted like water towards the end.



Obligatory shot of the food we had or else it wouldn't be a flog post now would it. Usually there should be like 394802394029 more shots of the food in different angles and closeups and whatnot to make it an authentic flog post but I is the lazy so no.

I am so not cut out for this :P

Since we're on the subject of food, let's talk about the bad stuff.

Here are two really, really horrible food items I had been terribly unfortunate to consume. They've disgusted me enough to have me bother taking photos of them from my phone:



#1. Grand Prize Winner: Gloria Jeans Drinks, Breads and Pastries (ANY)

Seriously. When a Gloria Jeans outlet opened at the concourse lobby of Plaza Sentral where the office is, we were all ecstatic because it no longer meant walking all the way to Starbucks at the main KL Sentral building to get coffee. Too bad it never came into reality. It was out of sheer convenience and probably laziness had the inhabitants of the office tried every single drink on the Gloria Jeans menu, sampled their mediocre choice of breads and pastries.

Each time we become forgiving customers, and as the drink is produced, we take the first sip full of hope that it would taste decent. Yes, we're only hoping for decent. But no, every single beverage that has every come out from that damned counter has been shit. And I mean shit.

Shall I even continue on their breads/pastries? I don't think they rotate their stock, so anything that has the potential of becoming stale will of course, be stale, once it reaches the customer's plate. The above photo is of their "beef and cheese" sandwich, which I had bought rather unwillingly yesterday while passing by, as M had a lot of work to finish so she "couldn't walk all the way to Starbucks". It tasted rotten. I'm not kidding. I couldn't finish it. It was even worse than the Sheppard's pie I got a while ago that had already went sour.



Runner up: MidValley Food Junction's "Lasagna"

3 pieces of bread, some corned beef, and a whole lot of pasta sauce. Enough said.

Smile, like you mean it

Talking to S on MSN often leads to a great deal of time being spent looking at random Axcest profiles, either drooling and/or bitching over them.

"OMG, is he really using a passport photo?!" "Nice arms, too bad about the face." "Oh, simple life. Meet X button."

There's also the "regulars" on Axcest. The familiar username that pops up every once in a while: sex hungry predators emailing every twink they come across with the assumption that we're all naive idiots, or the desperate fuglies trying their luck yet again with a "mind 2 be fren". Yeah right, friend.

Such shameless, self-righteous snobs we are. I am aware of that thank-you-very-much. Fine fine, banish me to a corner and be me an outcast as a result of all ye bitching.

One of the guys who randomly added me on MSN was cleaning out his contacts list, I'm thinking. I was asked for a link to my profile and after a "oh, okay", I was promptly deleted (my MSN client shows this information).

Which brings me to another point.

S: why has it got to be so hard
S: are we just too fussy?
S: is this depth of ours actually a gift or a curse?
Me: hahahaahahahaha
S: imagine if we were another cina
S: wouldnt it be easier?
Me: it would easier
Me: yes
S: so much easier?
Me: :(

Most of the time the bitching is about how Cina™ everyone seems to be, severely limiting our pool of dateable guys since we're pretty much the opposite of conventional in this crowd.

Given the choice: would I change who I am just to conform, fit in better?

And while we're pasting MSN chat logs:

Me: super saiyan.
Me: :O
Dan: WHAT'S SAIYAN I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW.
Me: I *think* it's when the dragonballs reach orgasm. or something equally epic.
Me: I don't know, but the "power" comes out their hands
Me: yes?
Me: or was that something else. hur.
Dan: My god forget I even asked.
Me: :P
Me: I fail as a straight guy.
Dan: Horribly.

-- - --

Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?

Oh screw this, I'm gonna watch Bareback Monster Cocks.avi. Hurrah for Eurocreme.

Of Burmese Monks, and Tears (Pt. 2)

I feel the need to pen down my memories before I completely cast them aside, forever forgetting this brief period of emotional turmoil. So much for "I'll never forget you". The time has come to finally let go.

-- - --

I had bought extra towels from Ikea. The previous night's events had reminded me to get new ones, we had wanted a hot shower together after some rather sweaty uh, activities but I had no spares. I paid Joey a visit at Starbucks, Ikano and was later joined by M, boring them with tales of last night. M was still slightly miffed that I didn't head back to the vigil after "dinner".

A friend picked me up that morning. He pointedly displayed curiosity at the rare sight of a young white twink walking alone from my condo building out onto the main road. I had smiled mischievously at him.

The rest of the ride was spent being bombarded with questions, in between randomly being called a slut, a whore and what have you.

He had sent a text earlier in the morning saying how much he had enjoyed "our time together", shortly after we parted ways. I chose to not reply. It wasn't high in my priorities at the time to respond to a trivial goodbye message. He later texted me again, wondering what I was up to that night. He had wanted to catch a football match. I distinctively remember my reaction to that: are you crazy? That is so straight!

He later admitted to watching football only for the eye candy- the swishing of dongs underneath those loose shorts (I wouldn't know). It was also a habit leftover from years of trying to act straight. We ended up meeting a group of fags at Domé, Lot 10 and later heading to BlueBoy for a drag queen show. A few people had asked whether we were an item. "No", I had said. "We're just sleeping together". The rest of the night was spent drinking, dancing and him trying to avoid the hordes of Malay men trying to pick him up.

I had run out of lubricant.

We were awakened at 1pm with constant calls from X, demanding that I show up for a gig she was going to host.

We held hands on the LRT ride back. Little touches here and there were snuck in between, hands groping away when no one was looking. I was in a state of ecstasy. I didn't care that we were being stared at.

It started to rain later that night. We went to pick up his bags, there no point in paying for yet another night since he was going to stay over anyway. Lost my way while venturing out into the rain looking for a Watsons, it was a good half hour before I found it. I snatched the last tube of KY on the shelf.

I thought I saw blood. I freaked, he freaked.

Of Penryns and Meroms

Conversation with S:

Paperbag Boy says (9:56 PM):
I'll miss you o_o

My my, I've a feeling this isn't gonna turn out so good.

And heaven, fills my view

I open my heart and bare its contents for all the world to see. In response you mockingly tell me to go ahead and jump. As if you could care less. In fact, you do care less.

Then you turn around and say
That it would be okay
But your empty words mean nothing to me, nothing to me now

You mock me so. Like I'm some stupid pathetic fool of a human being, a puppet which you control and use to entertain yourself. To manipulate to your will, to use as you please.

And I willingly submit, because it's all in the game. You know you have this power over me, therefore you push the boundaries... for nothing is to be lost on your end if you lose the game. On the contrary, I would lose a lot.

Not anymore.

Before you go again
I'm gonna say it loud,
Don't need, you now. Don't need you now.

Singing, songs that make me cry now

Pavilion is swamped with gay men.

I had dropped by the Ground floor toilet to fix my hair, and noticed the amount of gay men blatantly checking each other out. It's just, wow. Imagine what goes on in the upper levels. (Paris) That's hot. ;)

I miss chinese food. So much that I'm willing to travel down all the way down to Pavilion and pay the Food Republic™ price of RM7 for a bowl of hor fun. Where else can decent chinese food be obtained? I once ordered "Penang Special Kuey Teow" at a mamak. It came lined with cili padi and I swear, each "teow" tasted as if it had been soaked in some spicy sauce for days.

On the way back I noticed a really pretty lady gave up her seat on the Monorail to a blind man. So these seemingly heartless bitches do have a warm, human side to them, how surprising. Too bad no one seemed to care.

-- - --

A cute guy emails on Axcest. It has become a procedure that I check out the profile beforehand, mentally preparing myself to be disappointed with yet another "gt msn, mind 2 b fren".

I am greeted by a "and im very very like to eat cake ... delicious!!!"

How unfortunate.

Lie, close to me

Burned through RM40 worth of credit talking to S last night. Time flies when you're enjoying the company.

Shortening names to the first character won't be working as well as I had hoped. I'm rapidly running out of alphabets to cover identities which in best interest be kept anonymous. I don't want to start using pseudonyms.

-- - --

Luck hasn't been on my side lately.

Met the other S's hot boyfriend last night. He's one of those undeniably hot/cute guys... would be lying through my teeth if I were to say everyone at the table wasn't green with envy. Not that there were much people. So that makes me and the other guy. "Don't you just hate people like that?", he had said in a joking manner. "I know!" was my response while nodding in agreement, laughing.

Someone I've been crushing on since forever was somewhere in the vicinity as well, out with another guy. I wish he wasn't one of those jual mahal types. It gets frustrating, not to mention extremely annoying. Sigh. He was supposed to drop by, but didn't. No response to the SMS I sent either. Double sigh.

Si Beh Funny

Shops have started opening up at Gardens. There's this rather nice Starbucks outlet at the very end of the newly opened Borders. Fresh staff, nice view and the tables are clean, no sticky coffee stains yet. Except for the clientele. Maybe it was just that day but there were Malay pakciks and makciks and what have you yapping alway loudly in Malay. So friggin' annoying.

Later met Josh for dins. Slightly bemused by the over-friendliness of the waiters- we constantly were attacked, one keen waiter kept asking if we were done. No! We're not. The food wasn't that great. At least not the dish I ordered.

Josh got "spotted" while being cheap getting 50% off food at D'lish after 9pm (their double choc cupcake is so sinful). Don't worry CH, if you're reading this, I'm not trying to steal your boyfriend ;). Oh and apparently, I am a cute twink.

I never thought B would resurface in my life again after that very very dramatic and embarrassing few days I've known him. Everything was just so wrong. The annoying long hair, the annoying lisp (if it was the usual queeny type then it still would've been alright), the horrible horrible sex. Ugh, the messages and whatnot he sends every now and then I do, albeit reluctantly, reply to them, but it's more out of obligation (and guilt, maybe?) than anything.

I've noticed he has been going around Facebook adding my friends- especially the ones who leaves pseudo-gay, suggestive messages on my wall. If you want to stalk me, at least do it discreetly alright? The last straw came when he added R. So damn obvious. I messaged him politely asking him to stop.

Something I don't quite get is why people want to jump in and out of relationships for the sake of sex but since it's a "relationship" it's not technically an ONS? If you want to fuck n go, by all means do it, don't start a bf-bf thing just to dump him a few days later. People get hurt, y'know.

It's been a while (the last time was new years). Borrowing a line from S, my libido skyrockets. Even he had noticed this, well, partly due to him constantly being the receiving end of my lust-filled sentences lined with shameless implications of sexual desire. Poor guy. Too bad I've become increasingly picky with who I sleep with. He should be flattered.

Some random guy from Facebook added me on MSN and started commenting on how my teeth look ugly. Really, of all my imperfections... my teeth? I am amazed at this new level of superficiality. My teeth. Really?!

Part 2 of "Burmese Monks and Tears" has been sitting in draft for the 5th day now. The disabling effects of BDD is getting to me (thanks Wikipedia).

Life is not a wishlist

I woke up today to the usual pokes from a myriad of people on Facebook. Amongst the new ones was a guy that looked strangely familiar. A visit to his profile revealed that he's one of the guys I previously bookmarked on one of the many gay networking sites quite some time ago, but have never bothered to initiate contact with. Let's see where this leads now...



The weekend was spent down in Singa(y)pore. It was mostly an enjoyable trip down with M, a bus ride and no-frills accommodation. C had graciously made time to take us around. Meeting him in person was nice, he was in his usual happy jovial self, not much different from our Skype chats. Oh, right. He's also attached.

Feeding M's obsession with Starbucks coffee, we naturally had to pay homage to the Green Goddess. It was nice, slurping a cold Frap while taking a stroll through the rooftop garden at Vivo, with synthetic grass under our feet and fake breeze generated by what I assume to be air conditioning exhausts.

I picked up a few mags for Josh and a copy of SQ21. An strong feeling of pride is felt as I held the book in my hands. To think that a compilation of honest, queer stories from real Singaporeans with names and photographs made it as a mass market publication which the general public has access to at everyday consumer bookstores- I had bought mine at PageOne- is all rather overwhelming. Though unfortunately for Pang, his efforts at a similar complication of stories from Malaysian queers through a Yahoo group GenderGenres has achieved less success. It has been an ongoing effort since 2003.

Flipping through the book, the name and photograph of a particular guy caught my attention. It seems that this Nicholas Deroose character has recently become somewhat prominent in the scene. More popularly known as Nick D through a hilarious queer podcast Queercast.net, his name and rather striking looks seem to be popping up everywhere. Josh seems to agree, he had wrote him a gushing fanmail only a day before. I even have him in my Trevvy kisses inbox, only realizing who he was a bit later. Surprise surprise.

The trip back was rather uneventful. As I got off the coach making my way onto the shortcut lorong back to the condo, I was greeted by the sight of a horrendous pile of stinking, rotting rubbish on the sidewalk. A sigh, as I told myself: Welcome back to Malaysia.

We're not so different, you and I.

Psst, I'd let you in on a secret. The KL gay scene is damn tiny! Either that or people network really well. Exceptionally well. Or as J puts it, there's a lot of nichés but I seem to be stuck in just one.

Meeting A for dinner was entertaining as always. I had let out a laugh when I spotted his name in one of the Facebook albums belonging to a model this morning, prompting me to send him a text telling him about it. Haven't seen him in a while. Turns out the album in question belongs to an old time queen whose fresh portraits taken a day ago, was in angles that hides his aged features, as opposed to back in the day. 6 years can add a lot of baggage it seems. The... dare I say it, uncle of a model is an old sister of his. But then again he's connected to everybody- one of the few who can put a name to that bravingkl guy.

Other S has been seeing this new guy recently. I was rather surprised when I found out who the guy is. A lot of people close to the guy are friends of mine, though I've never met him in person. A friend, who happens to be an ex of his, has somewhat bitter comments about his behavior in the past. I feel uneasy, but there's not much to do except to watch the drama unfold. Let's hope there won't be one.

My chance encounters with married couples seems to be continuing. This old hag had sent me a message a few days ago and yet again, status: married. It's funny how I've been doing my rounds visiting local gay blogs on and off for the past 2 years and only now have I started talking to people. I was able to recall an event that involved him and Harvey (god, that annoying moving title is still there) from a year, 2 years ago, while he was still studying in Singapore.

Speaking of Singapore, I'd be heading down to that island for 2 days, on Friday morning! Excited!

-- - --

D had called in the morning. I was surprised when I saw that it was him calling. He's now on a plane to Brunei where he'll probably screw a few guys, then fly off to Dubai before touching down in Heathrow.

"But Brunei is such a fucking boring place", he said in that now familiar english accent. It'd be a long time before I hear that voice again.

I responded with an apt "Oh, but you'll have so much to do there- or better said, you'll have so much to do there..."

A pause, and I interrupted him: "You'll have so much to do there!" I finished, in correction. He had wanted to say the same thing. We laughed.

Maybe there is a compassionate boy somewhere in there after all, lost amongst all that lust and the constant need to copulate. I don't know why he called. I feel nothing. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

I fall asleep at night, thinking you'd be there tomorrow

And I'd kiss you, like I kissed you for the first time.

-- - --

I've recently been meeting a lot of new people who all seem to be attached. One is in a relationship of 3 years, one's dating someone, one has just embarked on a new relationship, one's in an open but stable relationship.

Let's start with the last one in the list and descend down.

J has it all. Looks, body, brain, charm, personality. So naturally, he's very popular in our gay, oh-so-superficial crowd. They swamp around him like flies and he admits he just loves the attention. He's modest, but not afraid to put his good looks to use. I suppose life is so much easier for him because of this. More chances of getting to know people, oh so much more opportunities. Perfect life, boyfriend he loves and in case there's a breakup there won't be no shortage of candidates lining up.

R has a "big" problem, no cookie for guessing what it is. I can only imagine how hard it is for him to live under the constant impression that he's being judged all the time. In a way I can relate to what I assume to be an ongoing obsession with physical, outward appearances. But what can we do, and especially being gay, outward appearances accounts for everything.

S thinks he's getting older being 19, gay and a virgin. I had thought the same a few months back, and I'm a year younger. The scene seems to be filled with kids nowadays, some as young as 15. In a culture where youth is celebrated, it's best to start as early as possible, I suppose. It won't be long until you hit the dreaded 30 mark and before you know it, you're an uncle.

C and I get along really well. Too well. He told me last night that if he wasn't attached and committed to his relationship of 3 years, we'd already be dating. It already feels like we're dating. He told me he was thinking of me when he was having sex with his boyfriend. I don't want to get involved, I don't want to be the 3rd person. But it's so hard to block someone you get along so well with, and he has become a close, dear friend.

Life isn't fair, you just have to make the best out of what you have. Or as M would say, "Life is not a wishlist!"

Moving on

Get out of the victim's role. You exactly know the rules of the game so you cannot complain afterwards, can you?

Don't ever fall in love with a one night stand.

On sadistic tops

I slept with a guy who's somewhat of a sadist. The consumption of alcohol during the session to convince myself what I'm doing is actually pleasant didn't really help in terms of comprehending what exactly was going on in the room. What was happening to me. What he was doing to me. I just did it all. I let go, to get hurt. Hurt real bad, because it is what I deserve.

I hate myself.

I remember waking up aching all over. I don't remember when or how he left, did I open the door to let him out? The bruises that showed up after left me hanging with even more questions. Maybe I seek pain.

It's fun being out at work

...Especially when you have colleagues that are totally cool with your sexuality.

Was trotting back to the Office after lunch one day and when the lift door opened there was this really hot guy just standing there. I lost it for a moment.

"What made you lose it, it was the cute guy there wasn't it", Cat said while laughing, later.

Me being totally embarrassed managed a "Shut up!", while she happily went on: "I was like, just, go, move...", while laughing some more.

I'll miss this place.

Of Burmese Monks, and Tears (Pt. 1)

The first time I set my eyes on him was no more than a casual glance. Oh, yet another one of them tourists paying pilgrimage to the twin towers. The camera in his hand probably didn't help much. I noticed it was of the same brand and model my friend has, except in a different color- it matched his shirt nicely, a deep set shade of red.

It was by chance I was there that fateful night, in front of KLCC with two of my colleagues, albeit half heartedly with the intent to promote one of our company's newer sites, coinciding with the conflict, or was it an uprising, in Burma at that time.

It was merely a day before I set out with a dear friend to MidValley in pursuit of a shirt to wear at the event the following day. We were to show up in red, as a symbol of support to the monks' efforts.

Which was why I noticed the choice of color of his shirt. The other clueless tourists had no idea why there was a big crowd in front of the towers. We were unfortunate to have had to explain, out of politeness, to a curious European couple who barely spoke any English, that it wasn't a massive occult sacrifice in honor of Islamic gods. Well, god. Singular, but yeah, whatever.

He smiled. Said hello in that horribly thick accent of his, almost inaudible mumbling. Who knew I'd end up having to bear with it for almost a week. Such eager friendliness from a complete stranger was suspicious to say the least, but I found myself laughing... smitten by his charm, maybe. Oh come on, funny, cute, young, nice body... almost too perfect? Yeah. You bet. I certainly didn't mind the company of this young stranger!

Both of us hadn't had the time to eat, we ended up at the food court inside KLCC for a meal. He had a quirk for not wanting to eat western food (I had pasta, I think). Something about seeing no sense in eating the same kind of food he can get back home... I pointedly laughed at him for being snobbish. Then I found out he had eaten in those rundown kedai makan in downtown KL, with the (friendly) rats, cats and god knows what else. It was also then I learnt the difference between a tourist and a backpacker, and what he was doing here.

The first move was made and it was established the attraction was mutual. Needless to say, he's quite the expert at the art of seduction and random pickups.

It was rather late when we finally got shooed out of the food court by a cleaning lady. Found ourselves wondering around downtown KL, within the vicinity of where his room was. It was a little past a quarter to midnight when I announced that it was time for me to take off-- would rather not spend more money on the cab back home.

Maybe I misread his signals, which were evidently very positive. He didn't drop the question, so I did. Being tired and in "wtf do you want it or not" mode, I dismissed the expression of mild surprise and the teasing that came soon after the "yes".

You want it, I want it, let's just get down to it, no mess, no fuss. Especially none of that emotional attachment "I LOVE YOUU" crap. It was supposed to be a one night thing, after all. Wasn't it?

Apparently not.

Affection, is something you want keep away from one nighters, or try to reduce to a minimum.

But oh no, not he. We spent a considerable amount of time sitting on some steps into the wee hours of the morning. Talking, holding hands, kissing, touching, groping. It felt like it was just the two of us there, staring up into the night sky. The air was cool and crisp, he hugged me to keep warm.

Was there love?

Affection. Is something you want keep away from one nighters, or try to reduce to a minimum.

I was stupid enough to think I would be immune to this. That I would be okay. The funny thing is, when it all started... I knew at the back of my head it would all end up in a disaster. But I went ahead with it anyway.

-- - --

I had to wake up early the next morning. He wanted to stay for another round, but I had to be somewhere. I pointed him in the general direction of the LRT station and we parted ways. There was a smile on my face. We had a good time, and like any other time, there would be minimal or no further contact at all.

Boy was I wrong.

An introduction, perhaps?

My efforts to actively blog never really lasted. I've started and left so many blogs over the years. The ghosts, ghosts of yesterday.

With failure comes experience, I suppose. Identifying the reasons which led to me stop writing in the first place. It has always been the many prerequisites in crafting a post... grammar, sentence structure, the suitability of content (which often leads to self censoring), the length.

Screw all that. I'm sick of trying to guess how I should be writing for an audience I have no clue about.